today was an excitingly beautiful day...we met after a more than a week...and it was one of those days when u plan to spend a lot of time with each other. it was like on of those earlier days....before college, cos after i started goin to college, though we have been spendi time a lot , i was waiting for a long day to be spent with each other, just lazing around doing nothing....and thats exactly what we did today....we are so crazy when we are together...we are gentle, wild ,ecstatic and mad.

but i feel that there have been a lot of changes also.i feel a sort of comfort level and the compatibilty coming to a level where everything has been comfortably placed.it is a stage where there is a lot of cosiness, a sense of the bond that has seen it all and a sort of stability...i like it...though i sumtimes get scared thinkin what if become mundane and monotonous..i am sure that is never gona happen even when im 80 and he is 90..

yesterday was a peculiar day..it was actually early morning today...boy spoke to me for a long time over the phone explaining the intricacies of life, hard work and oneself.he was very angry with my attitude these days.u know he keeps waiting and doesnt say a thing for a long time , he is simply observing and giving me the space to realise and set myself right..but yesterdsay i had almost proved to him that i am a fool beyond description and he gave me a long session of what he said..

he was so right that when he told me that i have been on a "complete loser trip". the truth is that i WAS on the loser trip..he was also right when he told me that i need to change ny company which has of lately negatively influencing me..he told me a lot of things and told me to simply believe in myself and dont behave immaturely cos i have been acting like a kid for the past few days....

he was so right..gawd cant believe that he knows me inside out..

i get so disillusioned sometimes. well if meet any of my friends, u'll sure knw that im disillusioned 24x7...they wud probably describe me as an eternally confused person.never mind, i enjoy my status as that...

i was watching "fatal attraction" today afternoon. i felt so angry and so fiercely strong abt this whole situation of extra marital affairs that men so effortlessly delve into.it is as if it is a sort of thing that they must do once atleast. and waht more, it is so hurting to see that it is the woman always who has to adjust to her man's transgressions...i wonder if a woman does something, tells it to her husband, wud he even be half as much as considerate as women are wen they eventually accept everything and their husband back...

i hate men sometimes...they are such animals wen they do it and how they get off with all of this so easily...im not sayin that women dont do all this, im not talkin morally on the subject..the only thing that im trying to say is that men are more easily accepted back by their women even after they cheat on them...why is that women think that it is only natural for men to do all this...that it is a part of their personality...can u even imagine if the same were to be said about women...if that were the case, men wud have killed all women...well even now they're doin the same...

cant believe how some just get off with serious things so easily and how natural we think that is for men, we think that it is just okay, natural for these men to get swayed...how sickkkk yuck...

men any comments on this one???

life is crazy at this time, the college second semester exams' datesheet is still not out..we guys are waiting like idiots and because it is not out, there is no drive to study. im listening to sting , desert rose right now..that song revives so many old memeories...well i think it was in 2000 when the song was released..im reminded of myself, 13 yrs old, sitting in front of the TV watching MTV crazily..watching "MTV select" and "MTV most wanted" and admiring, idolising the vjs. gawd! those days , these ppl meant so much. i remember writing one of those nice, creative , large letters to shenaz on most wanted ..i dont remember if i sent them or not. my eldest sis, when she used to see this program,though rarely, cud never believe that ppl cud actually write such elaborate letters and cards to a tv program,,,i was too ashamed to tell her that even i wrote one once.

2000 holds such beautiful memories, ..since that year life has been very different..maybe it was meant to be different. that was the year when i fell in love...sounds crazy doesnt it, falling in love at 13..ppl wud call it infactuation.. but what do you call it when an infcatuation carries on for more than 5 yrs..yes its been more than 5 yrs now and im still pretty much the same, the same crazy girl, insanely in love with the same person.. u know both of us are sooo happy and so surprisd too that we carried on soo beautifully..u know life is nice on that front atleast...anything may go wrong but the sweet love wud be the same...hope everything stays good always...i know it will...cos u gotta keep it nourishing it... u know what i mean ....

u wont blv, i maself cant blv that i am slowly turning into an addict.no man, im im not smokin nor drugging. but im doin something else, bigtime, :BLOGGING!!

rally, this is getting crazy, i see maself in frony of my comp all the time and blogging...i never thought i wud be reading so many ppl's blogs. commenting on them or even writing many of my own, but suddenly i find that im doin more and more of that...

after sumthn went wrong with my comp and i cud no longer blog on my first blog on msn spaces, i felt a little disappointer. that was my first blog and the features there were better frm this blog...so i was unhappy...but now iv efound a newfound pleasure in blogging all the time...but i know why: actually im supposed to be studyin in these holidays and im kinda escaping that by blogging all the time...so ppl, pls remind me to study hard if u visit mu blog...now i better start workin hard ...hummphh

im so bored today!!

almost everybody in college, i mean ppl frm other courses are done with their year end exams and we journalism guys are still waiting for our datesheet to be out!

cant blv how can these irresponsible ppl frm the university can make poor students wait for so long. u see im not in a hurry to give any exams, but if u know wen your exams are, u can atleast feel a sort of pressure and make urself study.. things seem so uncertain otherwise!!

well tomorrow ive to go to this meeting of an NGO to a place not near my house,and after that im looking forward to spending some quality time with teddy...

LOVE AND SEX ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS, do u agree?

do u think that it is very difficult for married partners to stay faithful to each other?

can a man or a woman have sex outside marriage and still continue to be in love with their marital partner?

can two ppl forever stay in love and be forever sexually faithful to each other, is such a situation possible?

It may not be very funny for some but for me it was a truly funny incident. yesterday, teddy , me and moon2 had gone to Goa Sadan for a Easter get together. it was a Goans-in-Delhi event where we saw many Goans coming together and celebrating in their Goan spirit. moon2 curfew time was 8:30. but naturally we got late. ted was playing and cudnt end abruptly.she cud stretch it to 9 at the max. But it was 9:30 and there seem to be no stopping to the music and the dancing people who had only begun dancing. well the prob was that ted was supposed to drop her and me but he was on stage and cudnt free himself frm there.So at around quarter to ten, i got him downa n we ran to the car and drove fast and dropped moon2. then he and me came back to the venue. he got back to stage and me, now devoid of any friend there, stood perched on a rock for a long time, looking at him performing. just abt then, a guy comes and says.
"you have very beautiful eyes"
i said," thanks"
he continued, askin me whther i am a Goan , i said yes. i knew that he washitting on me. now this guy looked cheap in the cheapest sense, he had yuck brown hair, kinda long and held together by lots of gel. he looked ughhh n wen i saw him before he approached me, i had wondered that wat sort of a Goan was he, he didnt look like one and was truly an odd one out.

so now that i knew that he was hitting, i didnt even wanna be very hard . frankly i didnt know how to react... so he said thathe had been watching me for a long time leanin against the rock etc etc..

then he asked my name, i paused, not knowing wat to say. i didnt wana be cross also. it was a small gathering and i cudnt insult him. i didnt want to insult. so i kept quiet and then answered"Zenette".
All this while he was standing onm y side and didnt even once liik at him. i spoke but without looking at him in the eye. i wante dto show taht i wasnt keen and at the same time, didnt wana be bad or rude, though i had every right. also, io wanted to just see wat happens. it was thefirst time a guy approache dme this way...
so he asked me wat i do, i lied all abt it. adked me if he cud buy me a drink,i refused. asked whether i was here with my family. i said "the guy on the stage playing keyboards..." he kinda got the clue, adked whether he was my date. i replies sumthn that meant yes. i asked him wat does he do, said that he was frm from Angola, that wasthe time i looked at him cos he didnt look like an Angolan. There were couple of people frm angola at the gathering also. said he was workin with the External Ministry, some shit like that. i had serious doubts abt that. any ways, he came to the point and aked whethte we will like to carry it further and meet sumtime. i said lets see. ii seriously didnt know anything better to say. he asked if he cud take me out for a pizza or sumthn. thenhe wantd my no. i declined tactfully and kinda sais that he cud give me his no, he hunted for a pen and paper and then wrote dowm his name"Sydney" (hehehe) and no, and wrote "Hope u call" and gav eit to me. while he wa hunting for a pen he aked me to hold his drink , i said i dont "touch liquor" (hehehee).

okay, evening over, i told allthis to teddy . we shared a good laugh..i was also wondering that i cud be a littler sterner with him... how cud i be so crazy to take a cheap guy's no... okay the truth was that i didnt know how to react. it was funny situation and i wanted to subtly say no....

all in all, funny incident... i told friends in college abt it, they said that we must trouble him by calling as people frm bank etc etc.... whatever........

hey we went to church, just the both of us, together. it was the first time we ever went to a place of worship. for me it was a sort of a novel experience cos ive never been to such places. there was a ceremony/service( forgive my church vocabulary) goin on on the occasion of Good Friday. there was a sort of skit that presented the events leading up to and christ's cruxifiction. the people did an impressive presentation. the boy who played christ presented well. this program was takin place outside the inside of the church, on the church grounds. people were gathred there, all standing. many families, coupleof loners. some foreigners too. the sacred heart cathederal is the largest one in Delhi. Wat amazed and contented me was that there were families who after offering their prayers to the nearby Bangla Sahib Gurudwara, came to the church also.. it was nice.

we couldnt get to see the inside of the church but the experience was nice.. He was standin next to me n while the skit was goin on, i cud see him wiping tears frm his eyes.

later we went to his place and he played me his song.. it has come out well, especialy the aalap part.. today it seemed that he didnt want to go to work at all.. he was so immeresed in finishing the song.. said that the song was givin him a kick.. u know, it was 7 and he still didnt want to go...cool, in the car he confessed that he really wante dto work on the song right now but had to go for work instead..

well thats something that these artistes have to live with. nobody knows, them included , when would they get a sudden drive to work....

im kinda excited . its about one o'clock no and me and teddy plan to go to church today. i think its gonna be a li'l fun and a different sort of an experience. given that im an atheist and am intrigued by churches, their enigma and everything, its gona be a sort of adventure with him. i was just talkn to him couple of minutes back, over the phone, and he asked me a curious Q, "are you gonna pray?"...it was a sweet Q. but of course i wasnt gonna, i replied sayin that "i wana go and look at ppl in the church". he laughed at this and said," you're gona write abt it right?"... i said nay, just for a bit of adventure..

i hope we go today. hope it happens. actually i want to get out of this silly summer monotony and go out and do something novel and satisfying....

gawd!, im back to writing sumthn now. it was a not-so-pleasant phase that kept me frm geeting that drive to write sumthn on my blog. well, a lot of things happened, more bad than good. looks like everybody's except for my darling is running away frm me. i mean that college is no fun. it is damn hot. 40 degree celcius already and it is just april. i wonder if we are gonna melt in june. it will be unbearable that time. so hot that even venturing out of the house would be unthinkable!!! i know im wrting too much abt the heat, actually the problem is sumthn else, not exactly the heat. im just fooling around with words to get to the point. i think im suffering frn sum sort of insecurity. i think that every body hates me all of a sudden. i mean my so called close friends in college. and i constantly feel taht they are conspiring against me. i know this is completely baseless but i have a sort of evidence. u now just when i think that the troubles have ended, thay start brewing up all over again. just a month back, i was so happy, there seemed to be no tensions at all. but after her bday(a so called friend mentioned later) , things started takin a negative shape. i tried my best to let things cool down, they did too but the root is somewhere else altogether.

it seems that im a crazy girl, unwanted , undesired by everybody except for my darling teddy. if it wasnt for u honey, i would have been in an amorphous state right now. i love u mauaa. u keep me happy. thanks for assuring me that im a nice person and you love me.. i love you too.

okay let me be the solution finder and an implementer here, cos nobody can help me more than myself, i know that the most teddy can do is to give me the support frm behind but wen it comes to the battlefield, i will have to rely completely on my own strenghth. let me be a little cool, try to be together at the same time a little detached. the real prob is with that crazy woman, i dunno why she is always sooo cold. u guys wont be able o understand me, cos it is not so simple,the girl im talkn abt is my friend, she is nice over the phone, talks in friendly manner, is nice, there seems to be nothing wrong but the minute we come to college and the five of us come together(my group of friends including her), she starts acting crazy, and only to me.. to everybody else she is fine. the pertinent Q here is dat why is she so important that im even caring abt her so much. the thing is that the other girls, who ar any day better friends and persons than her, and who were very pally to me before she invaded, are badly tilted towards her...

dunno wat to do.. cos in college you cant be on bitter terms with anybody. and my other pals are also gettn too close to her to forget that there is me too. and the twist is that she (the invader) happens to be a very possessive woman, if im having a cool chat with any other pal of mine, she comes and just invades it too. i know im soundn a li'l childish but it is real prob im suffering frm, i cant ignore this. and the catch is dat none of my pals (including the invader) feel that there is anythng wrong! it is just me who feels that things are not as fine as before..
just for more info , i wana tell taht all the friends here are girls... we all are crazy girls in Q here.

well next sem onward i plan to get more involved with activities so im busy and dont have to bother abt these silly things. u knw wat surprises me is dat even after having studied in an all girls school, i never had such a prob anytime. on the other hand school was so different where ppl were pally... here its crazy..

so if anybody is reading this, pls send me an advice plsss.. i need them ...also im desperately i need of supportive friends...

it is distressing and frustrating to see ppl frm different countries gather for extravagant conferences and end up chatting and bantering than address seroius issues at hand. i was in one such conference as a hostess, u knw helping around with the event managing team, and wat i experienced was depressing . the important issues are lost in space while delegates frm different countries enjoy an allpaid trip to an exotic country, here India.

So here these intellectuals gather, in a five star hotel to discuss abt the alarming rate of HIV-AIDS, TB and Malaria. And of course the larger enemy,poverty.
Wat better place to discuss poverty than a plush five star hotel!! HEIGHT OF HYPOCRISY....

It is very intruiging to see the head of WHO(South East Asia), deputy head of UNAIDS and other heads of major NGOs gigling and laughing inside the discussion rooms... and how they groped for words that would sound fancy and at the same time, credible!!

Sometime these discussions were merely reduced to English language classes where each delegate tries to find the best suitable word that would make their recommendation list stand out... In one partcular group ,of which i was the incharge to see that everything went on smoothly , almost and hour was spent on deciding and narrowing down on the precise word that wil "not be questionable"..

One german lady even confessed to me that these conferences wera an important opportunity for networking, for business. why not!!

when NGOs begin to tak ethe form of No Good Organizations, and WHo and UNAIDS and other orgs smack of vested intersets , one cant help noticing that more than anything else, this conference was a true privatization forum where eas=ch delegatr, after highloghting the problems , would recommend and praise his/her own org and ask for more say, a sort of human privatisation. while private doctors and practioners produced bloated figures on how private services are the real answer, public sector employees, "government's PUPPET RESEARCHES" sang the songs of teh govt... and during the pre-dinner
drinks, both joined hands and confessed that whatever be the real answer, their postions are secure, that wat they need is their money.....

hypocrisy , hypocrsy and hypocrisy... all at the expense of govt's precoius money.. an dare these conferences fruitful? they are far frm taht....the amount of money the govt and other organisers must have spent is crazy.. and on the finale day, our honorable health minister arrive to collect a fat book of recommendations , which is received with the same inherent apathy with which it was created by the nonchalant delegates!!

i am soo blue. this happens with me once in a blue moon and wen it does , i am so crazily caught in it. im feeling soo sad, but dunno the reason. dont feel like doin anything at all. so i decided to atleast blog. u knw. now i say byee